Gotta Speak It Into Existence

"Okay, what am I trying to say?" I heard myself ask this question out loud during a recent music therapy session and something about the cadence I used transported me back in time to a small classroom where I learned some of life's most important lessons about communication. I used to work as teacher aide for special needs students in a middle school and on occasion, would sit in on some student's speech therapy classes. These are some of my greatest memories. Being in a small room with the students and the warmest, most endearing person I have ever had the pleasure of working with (the speech pathologist).

It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows in that room, there were some meltdowns and patience-testing moments, but at the end of the day, this person's classroom provided the students and I with a wealth of experience in expressing our ideas to one another with visual cues, a tender demeanor and an unmatched passion for connection. I try to keep those lessons and memories in mind every single day, but every now and again I feel the need to purposefully cue them up so I can utilize them in real time. I am so lucky to have had these experiences.

These memories surfaced recently because I've been noticing a contradiction in how I communicate. When I work with non-verbal students, I'm forced to slow down, choose my words carefully, and speak with intention. But in everyday life (especially when talking to myself) I tend to ramble, rush, and often speak harshly when I make mistakes. What if I could bridge that gap?

During a recent session with a student, they were playing the glockenspiel with mallets and while still holding the mallets they got up from their chair abruptly and started to run around. My intention was to tell them that we should first put the mallets down before we stand up and I completely jumbled my words and it took me a few attempts to even figure out what I wanted to say and construct the sentence in the most appropriate format possible. I actually decided to say out loud to myself after a few failed attempts at speaking, "okay, what am I trying to say?" In the spirit of practicing compassion for myself, I spoke that question aloud in the patient, speech pathologist's tone and it just reminded me why I loved my time working with her and those children. I learned so much on a subconscious level about how to slow down, be present, and respond to what is happening within me or in front of me with kindness. Gotta speak it into existence sometimes!

That moment reminded me that the communication skills I learned in that speech therapy room weren't just about reaching my students; they were about learning to speak to myself with the same patience and understanding. I can't pinpoint exactly what made her so effective, but I absorbed something vital in that room: how to slow down when words fail, how to deliberately sift through my thought process in times of frustration, and how to use the same gentle tone with myself that I'd use with someone I'm trying to help. When I catch myself fumbling for words or making mistakes, I can choose to respond with that same compassionate voice instead of getting irritated and model the behavior for my students as well. So the next time I hear myself ask 'What am I trying to say?' I'll remember it's not just a question. It's an invitation to be kind.